Are you constantly comparing yourself to other people and somehow the others always end up on top? You may be suffering from comparisonitis!
And as confident in my overall superiority as I am, I can still relate. For example, comparing my amateur photos to those taken by actual professionals is unavoidable… But here’s the thing: it doesn’t mean that my photos would be bad! Which brings me to my point:
What is Comparisonitis?
We live in a world that was built on us comparing everything;
- We compare prices of airlines and hotels when we want to travel
- We compare our grades at school to determine which one of us is dead-stupid and who is smart
- We compare our experiences in a restaurant to others’ who’ve written reviews about theirs
- We compare the pros and cons of either cooking ourselves or ordering in
- And, worst of all, we can’t stop comparing ourselves to other people.
As we know, in some cases comparison is good. I like the fact that I can book a cheaper option out of 2 hotels with exactly the same services. And having the tools that perform the comparing for you easily available online is brilliant.
But every single time we compare one human to another human, it immediately becomes problematic. It is always down-right damaging on every level, and at the worst case scenario it leads to behavioural patterns like racism.
- We compare our selfie to that Instagram celebrity’s über edited selfie, and feel bad about ourselves.
- Then we compare that Pinterest board of a perfectly pristine living room to our own Ikea-clad living room with dirty tea cups and plates on the table.
- And we simply cannot shake the knowledge that everyone else always has it all so much better than us: they’re more successful, richer, happier, prettier, more efficient and do more yoga than us.
Does this resonate with you? Find yourself comparing yourself to anyone and everyone constantly? Well, you’re in the right place! Let’s see if I can help alleviate this condition and give you some tools to cope with the symptoms.
How to STOP comparing yourself to others
Before we get into it, a personal angle to all of this: I used to have the worst case of comparisonitis when I was a teenager. I compared myself all day every day to my best friend who was perfect in every way.
She was beautiful with her thick, brown hair and brown eyes. She was also an A student and had done everything from playing the piano to kick boxing to singing. And of course she was ace in everything.
Oh, how I used to beat myself up about not being her. Like, literally stand in front of a mirror and berate myself for not being her. Doesn’t it sound stupid? The amount of energy I wasted on stressing about it and cursing myself for qualities that I never needed, was tremendous.
But somehow I found my way out of that hell-hole! And even though telling you that it was as easy as deciding to stop comparing myself to her isn’t the whole truth, that’s basically how it went.
To dig a little deeper I thought I’d share my personal findings on the matter with you here. So, here’s how you can stop comparing yourself to others as well:
Rule 1: Everything outside of your person is just perceived reality
Before you can do anything about it you have to admit to yourself that you keep comparing yourself to others. Comparing yourself is fine, as long as it doesn’t cause unnecessary harm to your life and mental health. But the overall fact is, comparing never made anyone feel great.
You probably already know that we have literally been raised to put emphasis on “what other people might think”, right? Especially in many European cultures this is a phenomena that stems from religious entities making sure that people were as insecure as possible so they didn’t rebel against the ruler (church).
When the power moved from the church to kings and states they very quickly adopted this approach. So, basically comparing yourself is a manufactured and learned behaviour model, and anything you have ever learned can also be unlearned!
As the Rule number 1 states: comparisonitis feeds off of our insecure perception of the world around us. But our insecurities are not built on anything factual. Instead, they’re built on a perceived reality.
What is perceived reality?
Perceived reality refers to the way we interpret and experience the world around us. And let’s remember, that for most of us our worlds are very small. Mainly just us, our family and our friends.
And since our interpretations and experiences are based on our senses, beliefs, and personal experiences, they are based on a rather limited view of the world. Thus, they are
- always subjective and differ from one person to another
- meaning that two people might experience the same situation differently due to their unique perspectives and mental filters.
Perceived reality is shaped by factors such as culture, emotions, and past experiences. And even if you may think so, those things do not often align with objective reality.
Which means that when you are comparing yourself to others, you are literally wasting your own time and energy. This is simply because you can’t experience life the same way as they do. And vice versa.
Rule 2: Get to know yourself
As we have now established, when you are comparing yourself to others you are living this one life you have through your interpretation of them. In other words, you are not living your life as YOU yourself! Now, why the hell would you do something like that?
Yes, it’s a cultural norm, but cultural norms change constantly. So, it’s finally time to get to know you! You can start by introducing yourself to yourself. And then, when the comparisonitis creeps in, ask yourself questions like so:
- Why am I focusing on things that are not me? Bring the focus back and acknowledge your personal growth, progress, and goals. And when the mind starts wandering again, you bring the focus back again. And again, and again, as many times as it takes!
- What’s good in my life right now, what am I grateful for? You can shift your focus easily from what others have to what you already possess and appreciate by forcing yourself to acknowledge those things.
- Why am I angry at myself for not being like someone else? Since you now know that the way you see the person you’re comparing yourself to isn’t real, you can afford yourself the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. They fail at life just as hard as you do.
- What can I celebrate today? Take time to recognize and celebrate your own accomplishments, no matter how small. Getting a wine bottle opened successfully is reason enough to have a little dance! Celebrating everything helps build self-esteem and reinforces your self-worth.
Keep repeating these questions to yourself for as long as it takes until you feel like you know yourself better than the person you’re comparing yourself to. Learn to appreciate yourself and I promise you, your quality of life will soar!
Rule 3: Turn Comparison Into an Advantage
The simple formula for turning those comparing thoughts into an advantage is to turn your thinking
- from “I wish I had that” to “How could I get to that?”
- from “I wish I had that” to “Do I already have that?”
Because in most cases, you actually are and do have everything that you’re comparing yourself to others about. You just have no idea who the fuck you are.
Once you get into grips with the fact that your life is actually rather adequate, maybe even splendid, it’s time to flip the script completely. We’re going to turn comparisonitis into INSPIRATION!
Umm, what the hell, you ask? Bare with me, let’s take a real-life example:
Let’s say you compare your living room design to a celebrity’s living room design or your income to another business owner’s income. Now, ask yourself this:
- Is my living room cosy, do I enjoy spending time there?
- Is my income enough to sustain me, maybe even allow me to splurge every now and then?
When the answer to the question is ‘yes’, congratulations! Your life is good enough! No, it’s not theirs, and that’s because it’s yours. And as such it’s pretty damn great, right?
It’s such a relief and a massive burden off your shoulder when you accept that you and your formerly miserable life are actually fukken well off. You’re just fine as you are because you’re not them! And if you wish to, you can achieve anything you don’t currently have if you just set your mind to it.
After all, you’ve achieved everything you currently have, haven’t you!
Cue inspiration!
Once you accept that you can actually achieve anything you want you can shift the way you look at other people. Instead of comparing yourself to them as if they have it better, you can distinguish what they have that you don’t but would like as well. And then start working towards it!
Focus on setting and working towards goals that are meaningful to you. The challenge here is to set goals that are not based on what others are doing. Again, when comparisonitis starts creeping in, keep asking yourself the questions we went through earlier.
At the end of the day we are all unique individuals; no matter how many plastic surgeries and diets we go through, we will never be that person on Instagram because that person actually doesn’t even exist. That person only existed in your head.
You are not them and thus you don’t know shit about them. But you are you and thus you should know everything about yourself. Stop ignoring yourself!
Final Thoughts on Comparing Yourself
There are aspects of your life that people wish they had, so it’s okay to yearn for things that other people have as well. As long as you don’t waste your entire life comparing yourself to others. Because if you really want something, stop complaining and get to work, go get it!
Save money for that thing you want or block and delete that Instagram account that brings you bad vibes about yourself time and time again. Take control of your bloody self because that’s the only thing you can control. You are the only one who can decide that you’re good enough!
